Chasing My Identity

For most of my life I thought I knew exactly who I was, and who I was meant to be. 

Part of my identity came from being a wife and a mother.  Part of my identity came from being an engineer.  But if someone were to ask me to define exactly who I was?  I would answer without hesitation.  I was wife to a wonderful military man, mother to four amazing children, and after that I was a design engineer for a fantastic company that made me proud just to be a part of it. 
But in the space of one painful solitary moment, a moment that changed my life forever, I was suddenly face to face with the question that I could no longer answer. 

The other half of me was gone and I was left wondering what my life was all about.  For a while I shrouded myself in grief and pity.  I climbed into a chasm, the deeper the better, and I lost myself in the solitude and darkness.  Somehow it was easier to lose hope than to face the fact that maybe life held something more, something far from the comforting familiarity that I had grown used to.  No longer was I part of a marriage, no longer was I the wife that I used to be, and now I was left with shattered pieces of a life that never would be again.

At some point I made the unconscious decision to pull myself out of the crevice in the earth where I had been buried for far too long.  My kids not only needed me, they needed me to smile and enjoy life right along with them.

Early on in my journey so many people told me that I needed time to find out who I was.  I thought I knew what they meant, I really did.  And I would tell them that outside of losing my marriage, my wedding bands, and the moral support that I needed to raise my children, I was unchanged.

I still believed that chocolate was a food group.  Ice-cream was another one.

The little things in life still managed to amaze me.  Even while struggling every day just to breathe, I was amazed at the beauty of God’s world that surrounded me.  The kids and I found time to dance in the kitchen, to sled down the park hill.  To take walks through the forest and bike rides down park paths.  For me, the insignificant moments have always converged together in an intricate design that made life worth living.  I was never hard to please, simple was always better and more meaningful.  If someone were to bring me a wildflower from the side of the road, that meant more than a bouquet of expensive roses.

I would turn to these well-wishers, these people who wanted to see me smile again, and tell them that I knew who I was.  Deep inside, I had not really changed much at all.  I still had a heart for animals and anyone less fortunate than I.  There still existed a fondness for clothes of bright colors and sparkles, because no matter what, I preferred to stand out rather than blend in.  I would turn to my friends and reassure them that I was on the right path, and I was going to be just fine.

Along the way I have come across others just like me.  Others struggling to find their place in this world, struggling to define their identity in one way or another.  There are those who start running, and as their feet pound the pavement and their lungs burn from the pain, they are able to outrun the demons that are chasing them.  Others get tattoos, a symbol to remind them that they have faced the chasm in the earth, the darkness and the suffering, and have made it to the other side.  Still others turn to God, to His promises and the hope that He provides.  Some turn to writing, to the therapy that it provides, to using their words to understand exactly who they are.  There are some who choose not to find themselves but rather stay buried in the earth, dying inside, a victim of their own depression.

After about a year I decided that I was exactly where I needed to be.  I was doing okay, I was making it.  I had turned to God and read His word, and He promised me that I would know great happiness again.  I was back to being a mother to four amazing children and although I was no longer a wife, I was doing okay.  Supper was getting to the table and the kids were getting to school on time.  Homework was being done and the house was no longer a chaotic mess.  I was still an engineer getting up to go to work every day.  Everything was going to be okay.

But then something else happened, and I suddenly found myself right back in the depths of the chasm I had dug for myself a year earlier.  And as I sat there at the bottom, staring at the sliver of light above me, I wondered how this could happen.  I had survived things I hoped my children never had to face.  The pain of my heart being torn from my chest, the pain of tears that refused to stop.  Where did I go wrong?  Why was I back here?  Was there any point in trying again?

There was a question that still whispered incessantly at the back of my mind.  Who are you really?

This time, instead of thinking of my penchant for chocolate and frozen desserts, I started to contemplate more meaningful existence.  If I were only defined by the rings on my hand, or the children that I took care of every day, or the food that I ate and the places that I went, then I might have the ability to fall right back into the depression and hopelessness that would never stop chasing me.  I had to be something more than that.

I can’t really explain what happened next.  I really can’t.  I turned to God again, and for the first time I truly started to believe the words that He was telling me.  I wasn’t a believer because it was the right thing to do, I was a believer because it was the only thing to do.

And by finding the truth in the Word, the truth in the whisper of God in my ear, I was finally able to find myself.  That person was no longer defined by exercise or body art or bright orange pants, but something much deeper.  Something much more lasting.  Something much more real.

Now my familiar crevice in the earth, the one that held so much confusion and pain, the place where I had cried so many of my tears, is gone.  I no longer fear slipping back into that hole, because it is no longer there.  I am stronger, I am more real than I ever have been before.  And when I smile, I mean it.  I’m not hiding the agony in my heart.

But the most important thing that I have learned on this journey, this path in life that will probably never truly end, is that to answer that very basic question (who am I?) I had to let go of something important.

I had to let go of the person I used to be.

The Trip

 

 

Last night I took my kids to the grocery store to get toilet paper. We were down to the last roll and I figured that buying some food would also be helpful. The kids were getting tired of eating things I could throw together from the pantry.

Which at this point would mean something dipped in ranch, ketchup, or mustard. And that something would be French fries. Or animal crackers. Although Callie’s eyes lit up when I mentioned 'dinner' the rest of the kids made a face only a mother would ever love.

So I packed them up and away we went.

On the way I had to tell Hunter a bazillion times (a mom of four knows that is a REAL number and how big it really is) no he couldn’t eat a sucker. The last time he had a sucker before the grocery store he started hiding in the stacks of toilet paper. He pouted, but the sucker stayed in the car.

Our first stop was the pharmacy counter, because I was low on insulin needles for the diabetic dog. After telling the kids ‘no you can’t shove your foot into the blood pressure cuff machine’ and ‘no, we don’t need THOSE kinds of pills’ and ‘I’ll explain what that is when you’re older’ and dragging hunter back from trying to check out the transformers we made it to the counter.

The lady drug out the big box of suckers and set them on the counter. ‘Here you go kids!’

Callie at this point was climbing on the cart, trying her best to tip it over. Lex was laying on the bottom of the cart and Gwen was being a quiet little angel. But when the sucker box came out, the kids turned into stampeding buffalos. So much for the fruit snacks I gave them to eat while at the store. One of which Hunter picked up off the floor to eat because of the ‘five second rule’. And so much for the ‘no sucker’ rule. The lady behind the counter just grinned at me. Real funny lady.

For a while they were pacified and first stop over, we made our way to the back of the store. By this time Lex was again laying in the bottom of the cart and I was stacking things on top of him. He sandwiched himself between two pillows and glared at me, but refused to move.

The last time we went to the store I wound up with about fifteen things I didn’t need. This trip I figured out who was the culprit when I turned around and saw Callie strategically hiding cookies between the pretzels and the yogurt. When I caught her, she immediately threw the cookies out of the cart and on the floor. Then walked away, as if I didn’t really see anything at all.

And she's only three.  I think I'm in trouble.

Hunter and Gwen were doing okay, besides for ooohing and ahhhing at the clever marketing techniques used in the Halloween Yogurt packs and asking for something about every 2.35 seconds. I decided to record myself on my phone saying ‘No’ and play it over and over. They weren’t fooled in the least.

I've recorded 'what' in response to them saying 'mom' a double bazillion times a day.  That doesn't work either.

But the kids were starting to get loud at this point, and when I found Hunter sitting on the shredded cheese I knew we had to move a little faster. And when Gwen and Hunter started giving Callie piggyback rides and then setting her in various displays and giggling, I knew we were in trouble.

We were getting stares, which I’m used to, but would rather do without. Yes, they are from the same parents. NO, they don’t really look alike. But there is no question I am their mom, trust me on that one.

We finally made it to the toilet paper. I picked some out and set it on Lex in the cart. He was really starting to get annoyed with me, but again, wouldn’t get out of the cart or even sit up. He was very comfortable hidden among stacks of cheese and biscuits and sour cream. Though he complained the milk was a bit cold.

I lost sight of Hunter, and when I turned around, he was hiding in the stacks of toilet paper. Darn those suckers.

Gwen grabbed a feather duster and started dusting Callie.

It was about time to go.

We finished our shopping in somewhat record time, although I wound up with various crackers and candy I did not put in the cart. When I looked at Callie, she acted innocent and wide-eyed. I was actually looking for it, and was unsure how all of that got into the cart in the first place. We had no need for three extra large bags of m and m’s. Or the chocolate frosted flakes. Yuck.

As I started loading bags in the cart Lex finally decided to get out. Other than a few lines from laying in the cart and having groceries on top of him, he looked none the worse for wear. We trekked through the pouring rain to the car, attempted to load the too full trunk the kids conveniently ‘forgot’ to empty, and made our way home.

After starting dinner and unloading the groceries I was feeling a lot better.

Another trip averted without major disaster.

Yes, the trip took about 1.5 hours and cost me $150, and we originally went for toilet paper, but still.  At least we had some chicken to dunk in Ranch dressing now.

Hunter still on a sucker high, now sword fighting with Lex, suddenly looked up and said ‘Where is the toilet paper mom?’

My heart stopped and I said 'No.  Really?'

Lex was grinning guiltily because apparantly at some point he got up and threw the toilet paper out of the cart.  It was 'squishing' him.  But somehow the large boxes of cereal and bag of apples were not?

A $150 trip for toilet paper, and we forgot the toilet paper.

Lex gets the newspaper for his next trip to the bathroom.

Well....

It took a while, but I finally get it.  I'm somewhat stubborn (yes, I did just admit that), and it takes a while for me to get the point that someone is trying to make.
I heard it all the right things being said, over and over again.
But still I fought and disagreed and complained, and when the world was turning upside down, I would still manage to dig a hole and hide in it for a while.
And what was the end result?  That I felt horrible.  Alone.  Scared.  Unsure if life would ever be on the right road again.
In the last couple of weeks, I have finally listened to what was being said to me. 

Romans 12:2

New International Version (NIV)

² Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is —his good, pleasing and perfect will.

I finally understood that I had to change my thinking.  The negative thoughts about life were dragging me down and stealing my peace.  They were disrupting my future plan, my life, and the joy in the very act of living.

Yes, things have been hard in all aspects of my life.  But who hasn't experienced trouble?  Who hasn't had a mountain to climb, a river to cross, a storm to weather?

Just because there were obstacles everywhere I looked did not mean that God was placing them there.  He wasn't making my life harder, more difficult.  It's just the way things are right now.  And when I finally understood that being upset by these obstacles was not helping me, but hindering me, I was able to find a way to overcome them.  Instead of staring at them and saying 'Why me?  Why now?  what in the world am I going to do?  Where is the justice in all of this?' I decided to pray, and ask God for peace.  Direction.  An ability to make my way through this storm that hasn't quite ended.  And to trust that God does indeed have a plan, and eventually He will unfold it.

And in the meantime, why not enjoy this world He has given us?

I try and count my blessings.  There are a lot of them.  I have a beautiful home, a car to get us where we need to be, a job to pay the bills.  And four absolutely gorgeous children.  I would not trade anything in this world for those kids.  They are God's greatest gift to me.  Even on days when I want to run away and hide (still fighting that feeling, it's a strong one to overcome), I thank God for giving them to me. 

Yes, life is hard.  And will continue to be so.

But I also believe that God is good, and He will bless me, and show me a clear direction and plan in my life.  Eventually.  Yes, the waiting is hard.  But that's what Faith is all about.  Believing, even when you're still in the midst of the hurricane, that the sun will shine again.  And one day, the waters will be smooth and calm.

I'm on the right path, and the peace that I find here, it the best thing I have found in quite a while.

The Summer List

Daily activities alone consume me.  Having four small children and a job is enough to keep my busy forever.  There are days I barely have time to breathe.
But to make things even more complicated, I am selling our house.  It's the right thing to do, it's the sane thing to do.  Yes, it will be hard to walk away from the forest of trees in the backyard, the horses in the front.  The flowers that I have worked on for years.  The apple trees that I have yet to see an apple from.  The corner jacuzzi tub that is my sanity escape.
But there is so much to gain by moving closer to work, moving to a home that doesn't require mowing several hours each time. To a home in a neighborhood with close neighbors and kids running around to play with my own.
It's a difficult decision, but when it comes down to it, the only one that makes sense.  And the way I see it, if this is God's plan for us, the house will sell and we will move.  If it's not His path for us, we won't find a buyer.  So we shall wait and see what God has in mind for our family.  I have finally decided to throw my hands up and let God decide our fate.  His planning skills are better than mine anyway.
In the meantime, getting lost in the details of cleaning and organizing and fixing everything wrong with a house in order to sell it, I don't want to forget that it's summer.  That I have kids that will never get this summer back.  They will never be 9, 8, 5, and 3 ever again.  So I vowed to take time out to enjoy summer with them.  To feel the sun on our face, the wind in our hair.  To run through the field while chasing a frisbee, to explore and learn and enjoy this life that God has given us.
Because though sometimes we forget, each day is a gift.  Each day is something to enjoy, to cherish.  Who knows if there will ever be a tomorrow.
I have a friend at work that is facing his mortality and told me he wrote a bucket list.
I decided to write what I call
'The Summer List'.
Maybe we'll get to all the items on the list, maybe we won't.  But here are a few that we have already enjoyed...

The local drive-in movie.  Complete with a smattering of stars overhead, glow-in-the-dark bubbles, citronella candles, blankets (chilly nights still!), and a bowl of super buttery popcorn.

Waiting for the movie

And the movie begins!!

Fireworks.  they are more commonplace than when I grew up, but watching the kids chase down parachutes floating from the sky is a fun way to enjoy the summer.  And you can't beat sparkler letters.  Of course that's something we have to work on - Gwen was trying to make an 's' in this one!

Gwen pausing to 'model' for me

Lex catching his parachute

Hunter and my Dad amassing a huge pile of debris in the driveway!

Homemade sidewalk paint from Pinterest.  Easy, colorful, perfect for pics.  True to form, Callie painted herself more than she painted the concrete.  She said it 'felt good' to paint her feet.

Callie's kick off to summer. She turned 3!!

This was during work hours, so no kids.  Just the annual strawberry festival on the circle.  And an awesome lunch - a strawberry shortcake piled high with fresh berries, ice-cream, and whipped cream.  A perfect summer day with a beautiful sky overhead, in the middle of a beautiful city.

Swimming is always on the list.

So are good times with good friends!

Snow Cones!!



















































And we have many, many more items on our list.  Included are - 

Catching lightning bugs.  Camping.  Homemade bubbles.  Glow-in-the-dark homemade t-shirts.  Making at least three kinds of homemade ice-cream.  Picnics.  Exploring, a treasure hunt.
No, these activities are not just for the kids.
They are also for a very stressed mom who needs time to unwind and enjoy life.
A summer to remember.
Until next year, when we top it with another 'Summer List' ....

Single Mother

I used to be a military wife.  One who faced training, deployments, and support of a spouse that was gone for long periods of time.  I had to get used to doing things on my own (including parenting) because what other choice was there?
A long time ago, I read a set of posts where military wives were comparing themselves to single moms.  Said that while their husbands were gone they had to hold down the fort, so it was just like being a single parent.
The actual single moms were incensed, because they said it wasn't the same at all.
And in the last year, the one thing I have learned, is that the single moms were correct.
It isn't the same at all.
For those who don't know what has happened to my family, I won't go into the details.  They are too personal and too intense.  To painful and too real.  But the end result is that I am raising four young children on my own and have been for a very long time.
There are some days that the high demands of these four tiny lives are so much for my heart to handle.  My soul hurts, and it bends under the weight of the responsibility that has been given to me.
I know that my feelings aren't that different from any normal parent that is having a tough day.  A day where they question all that they do.  Where they wonder if they are helping or hurting their kids, and what if the mistakes are compounding themselves so that things just get worse instead of better?
But there is one really big difference.
I'm doing it alone.

Although I have told myself a hundred times in the last few months, and will continue to tell myself the very same thing, that even though I feel alone I am not.
God is with me in all that I do.  He always has been, and He always will be.
I'm going to keep writing it and telling myself that until I no longer feel the sting of loneliness.
This weekend was rough.  I didn't get anything done.  Well, 'anything' besides cooking meals, doing dishes and laundry, sweeping floors, cleaning Gwen's room, my room, and a hundred surprise messes.  Making a grocery list and shopping for everything on that list.  Paying bills.  Reading books to the kids.  Playing barbies.  Painting the fingernails of my little girls.  Being silly with balloons.  Being a parent that has too much to do, and too little time to do it in.
As a matter of fact, right now I'm enjoying a yummy chocolate milk shake.  Yep, at 11:00 pm at night when I have to get up in about six hours.
When I'm struggling, chocolate is my ray of sunshine.
But I know everything will be alright.  Because although I feel alone, I am not.
And I never will be.

Even when things are so hard, so difficult, I don't know what I would do without my kids.  Those four little beings are my life.  I love them much more than I do myself.  They need me to be the very best parent that I can be, and I won't let them down.  I will keep trying, keep struggling, until life gets easier and I no longer have to swim upstream.
I need them and they need me.
Tomorrow we will be smiling, tomorrow
we will just be.
Today was hard, today was rough,
but I see the sun
already peeking through the trees.
Tonight I will sleep
Tonight I will dream.
of a tomorrow where life
is filled with more than we need.

One Step At a Time

Written to the Tune of 'One Step At a Time'


There are times I want to close my eyes and be somewhere else, maybe a year down the road.  Past the difficult days, sleepless nights, and aching heart.
Past the loneliness and the exhaustion.
But then there are times like today.  When I'm running late but I find time to see the beauty around me.  When I see the sun streaming through the trees, and the horses grazing in the fog.
When I hear Hunter nudging me to look at Callie.
And I turn to see her standing in the kitchen, without a stitch of clothes, dancing to the tune of 'God's not Dead'.
And I smile.
Making the long drive to work, I realize that no, I am not where I want to be at some point down the road.  But I am taking the steps to get to where I need to be.  And that is truly what is important. 
There are those who never take those first steps.  They want to run a marathon but never get off the couch.  They want to get a better job, but don't take the time to get the degree they need to do it.   They want a life other than the one they have, but all they ever do is dream about it.  And never really try to live it.
No I'm not where I really want to be in an unforeseeable future.
But I've come a long way.  I've taken those vital first steps, and many more after that.
Honestly, if I look behind me, I can't see the foggy place where I started from.  I've come that far.
And if I were to fast forward to that day in the future, when things finally fall into place, I will have missed a lot.  I will have missed so many things in my kid's lives.
Hunter is growing up.  He is reaching the point where he is more man than boy.  Even his view of the world is changing.  He is starting to notice the struggles I go through, and wants to help his mom.  His budding compassion is truly tugging at my heart.
My kids are a lot like me.  They sing with me, they dance with me.  They grow with me.
As a matter of fact, the way I see it, we're taking these steps together.
Maybe we can't run a marathon quite yet.
But we can't get to the finish line,
if we don't take one step at a time.

Broken

There are choices to make in life.  Lots of choices.  Sometimes they are as mundane as what outfit to wear that day or what to cook for dinner.

But then there are the harder choices.  The ones that can determine your happiness, your life, your future.  

Unfortunately the last few months my life has been filled with the tougher choices.  The ones that make a difference not only in my life, but that of my kids.  And sometimes I'm not quite sure those decisions are the right ones.

You see, I have been broken.  There were horrible things in my life that had shattered my heart and everything I believed.  For quite a while I wasn't sure which way to turn, and how in the world I would climb out of the rubble that surrounded me.  The remnants of a life I once knew.

But even though I felt my life was out of my control, spiraling into a deep abyss, there were still decisions to make.  There were still things I could do to turn things around.

At first it was hard because I was so sure that I had been forgotten by God.  That He had swept me aside in favor of those with a greater need.  I have a vivid memory of sitting in church listening to the pastor preach of light, of having faith in the midst of troubled times.  And I was crying in my seat, praying that God show me this hope and this light because all I could see in front of me was the blackest night that had no beginning and no end.  Just an endless cycle of loss and brokenness.

But somewhere along the way I made a choice to believe.  To see the good instead of the bad.  I used to live one hour at a time, just getting through the best I could.  I can remember how painful that was, how I didn't want to get out of bed and face the ache where my heart used to be.  Back then I had Faith, but it was a very weak faith.  One that didn't believe God had good things in store for me and my family.  Back then, I was making an unconscious choice to drift through life living in the pain.  Drowning in it.

But then I made the best choice I have ever made in my life.

The choice to LIVE.  The choice to see the good instead of the bad.  To focus on the laughter and the smiles instead of the tears.  

Eventually I was able to crawl out of the hole into the sunshine, and finally get to know the God who had loved me for so long.  He was no longer a vague presence somewhere far away, but became a Hand to hold when I needed one.  Someone who brought me friends when I needed them the most.  Good friends, who loved me, and weren't afraid to show me.  Something I needed more than anything....Love.

This weekend I had to make another tough choice, the decision to lose a part of the family.  To end her suffering and her pain.  I know it was the right thing to do...but still.  The pain of her loss is intense.  Miss Callie doesn't understand, and is asking where Moosie is.  Her dog bowl is still sitting on the step.  I still listen for her footsteps down the hall, wait for her wet nose to push my hand, wanting to be petted.

I miss her.

But she know we loved her and did everything we could.  I had to end her suffering, it broke my heart to see the light in her eyes dimming.  

Sometimes, when you love someone, the best thing you can do is to let them go.

I have no idea what our future will bring.  I have no clue where God is leading us, or where we will end up.  But this time I choose to believe that He will take us to a good place filled with love and happiness.  And that is the difference in me - to have real Faith.  

I was broken for a reason, and now God is working to build me back up.  I've come a long way, but I don't think He's done with me quite yet.

A song that describes me right now...