In the beginning

In the beginning there was chaos.

We were surrounded by boxes and children and pets, and none of them had any idea where they should reside.  We had to get used to twice daily dishes, endless laundry, lost socks and found clutter.  And the snacks, I will never catch up to the snacks that they require every day and the amount that is consumed.  In the beginning it was a balancing act to visit the grocery store and learn how to stack food in the refrigerator just right without it tumbling down as soon as the door was opened.

To make things more difficult, we left for a small Georgia island shortly after moving in.  With boxes piled three feet high in the kitchen we ran for the sun and the sand and the trees dripping with Spanish moss.  There we swam and fished and pulled living creatures out of the sea, ones that I have never seen outside of a beach shop.  Sand dollars and starfish, horseshoe and hermit crabs, mollusks in conch shells, nearly invisible worms covered in bits of wood and shells.  It was hot, it was humid…it was Georgia in August.  But the island was lovely, the beach at low tide was one of the widest that I have ever seen, and one day I hope to visit again.

Of course when we returned, the boxes and confusion were waiting for us.  I feel that the boxes will always be waiting for us.

But as the days passed by and school began, we melted in a routine.  One that involves the craziness of an Insanity workout early in the morning, cleaning and errands in the afternoon.  I have loved being off work for an entire month.  As a mom who has worked forever, it was a welcome respite from the craziness of motherhood and homework and after school activities.  I finally had time to make cookies for an after school snack, I could pick up the kids from the school bus and hear about their day.  To be home long before dinner had to be made, to start cooking at a reasonable hour without having to rely on a crockpot.  To actually go grocery shopping without kids in tow.  Sad, but that has always been a dream of mine, a dream that finally came true.  I could do laundry during the day, instead of late at night after dinner and dishes and baths.  Something else I had always wanted to do.  I’m easily satisfied, I think.

I can hardly believe that it’s been a month since we moved to the hills of West Virginia.  In the beginning we were out of our element, all of us.  We were living without internet and without neighborhood kids.  Town felt like a hundred miles away (still does).  But the time has passed quickly, so quickly that I have already started working again.  It is as I remembered, pure craziness trying to get everything done, and collapsing into bed exhausted every night. 

We have had our struggles, our battles.  The road has not been entirely smooth. But even when there are disagreements and scuffles, even when the kids can’t seem to get on the same page, I am happy with this choice.  This place.  This life. 

No, our life is definitely not easy, life with kids is never truly easy.  But as I once told Emmett, it’s our life.  It might be crazy and chaotic and loud, but I love it.  I wouldn't change it.  And I know without a doubt that God knew what he was doing when He brought us together.

I left behind Indiana, my friends and my career and my home.  I miss it all…but I have gained more than I have lost.  I have gained a new family and a husband that I am madly in love with.  And a stronger Faith in a God that knew where my happiness would reside.

Although this might sound cliche, because there are so many people that say this now days, it is obvious that God’s hand has been in our lives.  He is there for us, He is guiding us.  I once wondered, but He has relieved me of all doubt.  He brought me the husband that was perfect for our needs, and for our hearts.

If one were to ask me if God truly cares, I can say with a resounding YES that He most certainly does.  He cares, and He loves, and He answers prayers.

The kids are doing great in school and in our new town.  I’m so proud of them, and thrilled that when God is involved, everything is simply smoother. 

Learning to merge families together is a process that will take time, but we have plenty of love and laughter and forgiveness to make it work.

And the other day, while driving the kids to the library, Hunter and I found the end of the rainbow.  It shimmered right before us, in front of the trees.   Even before that moment I knew I had found the end of my own personal rainbow.

I’m exactly where God wants me to be.  

The Move

“You’re leaving Rolls-Royce?  Are you crazy?”
My co-worker stared at me in shock after hearing the news, and I wondered if maybe I was a little crazy for making this life altering decision.  But it was definitely too late to turn back now.

I distinctly remember my first moments in Indiana.
We had left West Virginia well before dawn and somewhere along the way, shrouded by the darkness of early morning, I fell asleep in the car.  I woke up to see the land rushing past us in a blur.  We were surrounded by fields and flatness, there were no hills to block the view.  The giant orange sun was rising slowly rising in the sky, the pink and purple hues reflecting off of enormous puffy clouds.  It was beautiful, and I was filled with the hope and the anticipation of a new college graduate.  The world was mine for the taking.  I was naive and innocent, believing in goodness and love and dreams that actually came true.  And so excited to start life in a brand new state, which might as well have been a brand new world.
We had arrived in Indiana, our new home.

That was almost 15 years ago.  In that time I've gotten used to the vast expanses of sky, the large buildings of the city.  The traffic, the wide straight roads.  Some parts of me have merged into those of a Hoosier.  How could it not, after living here so long?  In the summer we visit the Indianapolis zoo, with the city skyline in the background.  The state fair with its little hands on the farm display, year after year I watched my kids grow up in that exhibit, donning their bright green ball caps and toting their baskets along the path to gather eggs and grain.  Each time they would drive the John Deer tractors until finally the year came that Hunter was simply too old.  That year, my heart broke just a little bit.

We’re used to this life, it is all my children have ever known.  And for so many years, all that I have ever known.
But my life has not turned out as I had once planned.  When arriving in Indiana that frigid January morning, I had no idea what would happen to my family.  I could not have predicted the struggles, the triumphs, and the loneliness of single motherhood.  I could not have predicted the pain, or how it would affect me.
The pain of divorce changed everything for me.  Everything.
I didn't expect to meet Emmett.  I expected even less to marry a man from a town I grew up in.  Where I was born and raised and left after high school.  A town I never expected to live in again.
But with time came wisdom, and a subtle shift in my outlook.  Home is where your heart is, where your children are.  Where your husband is.
A career is important, it helps pay the bills and raise your kids.  But it’s not everything.  Money isn't everything.
I've been at Rolls-Royce for going on 14 years, and I’m leaving for the unknown in the hills of West Virginia.
And those hills are beautiful.  That is where family is, and family is worth far more than gold.
I don’t know what the details are, I don’t know how everything will work out.  I’m losing my security blanket, but we all have to get rid of it sometime.
I know it’s going to be okay, because God is with us.  He’s always been with us.  One day Callie saw God in the trees behind our old house.  She was two years old, staring through the window during the winter months, and I looked but saw nothing but scraggly branches and dried out brush.  She told me God was standing right next to those trees.  And to this day, I believe that she really did see something that I could not.
I see God now too.  I see him in my life.  In meeting and marrying the man that I love.  In selling my house, the way the puzzle pieces have clicked together.  No longer do I fear an empty picture being formed.  It is full, it is complete, and one day I’ll get to see what it is.
I’m not crazy for following my heart, for following God’s plan for my life.
I’m happy, I’m hopeful, and I’m at Peace.
God will always provide.
“And my God shall supply every need of yours according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:19
Our future is ahead of us, and it is going to be a great one.

From the beginning

I have written anything in ages.
And I have been asked many, many, times how I met my new husband.
So here is the story...

I knew I would love him before I ever met him.
That thought scared me, those feelings scared me.  I didn't want to get hurt again.  I had a heart that had been shattered and pieced back together with fragile thread.  So although I knew that I would love Emmett from the very beginning of our real life relationship, it wasn't something I embraced willingly.  
And I had a very hard time with belief in commitment, because there was a possibility that one day he might just disappear.

We met online, I had commented on furniture he made.  I needed a dining room buffet and I liked his style.  We started to talk, and months later, the talk turned to something besides friendship.
Our talks were centered on two strangers who would never meet in person.  We were immediately close in ways that take months for others in real life.  There was the anonymity of the internet, of a keyboard and a chat window.  He didn't ever have to look in my eyes and see who I was in person.  He was safe, someone to encourage me and be there for me.
We shared experiences, I was selling a house and he was selling furniture.  We were both navigating the painful world of dating after divorce.  Not something either of us relished.
It was obvious there was something there, and finally, after months of chatting our conversations turned to meeting each other.  We set a date, he was going to drive out to Indy and meet me in person.
I was scared witless.
What if, after all this time, he didn't like me?  What if he thought I was uglier in person, than I was in pictures?  Most of my fears centered on him not liking me, not the other way around.  But I had hopes and aspirations and I prayed that maybe, just maybe, he would be the one.
Although I came close to cancelling altogether, to just staying friends, the day finally came that we would meet face to face.
I was literally shaking.  I paced, I wondered, I worried.
If we had kept a virtual relationship then I could still him as a friend.  As it was, I didn't know what was going to happen.
And when he came walking up the sidewalk carrying a handful of yellow carnations, I knew that it, at least for me, it was over.  His eyes were blue, a beautiful shade of blue.  His smile made my heart turn somersaults.  He was finally standing in front of me, and I felt like I already knew him.  
When I hugged him it felt like coming home.
I felt safe and right where I was supposed to be.
Needless to say we got along just as well in person as we did online.
And as I got to know him, I found that he was even better in person than he was online.  He was someone with faults and idiosyncrasies, but then again, so was I.  I found that the perfect online image was replaced with someone much, much better.  Better because he was real.
And I could easily love the flesh and blood version of the man who walked up my sidewalk clutching those flowers, with his crooked smile I now love so much.

But although ours was a typical boy-meets girl love story, there was an element that wasn't typical. Something that made things work even though they probably shouldn't have.
I had my issues, he had his.  There was the distance, the travel, the time.  My fear of what was around the next corner. My ever present fear of getting hurt.
But through it all we had that special something going for us.  We had God on our side, He brought us together.  He had a big hand in everything, from the very beginning.
Even before we met I told Emmett that God brought us together for a reason.  Two people sharing similar life stories, there to understand each other.
But as usual God had bigger plans for us.  Bigger than anything I could have fathomed from the beginning.
We went from friends to newlyweds.
And I am very, very happy with that plan.
As usual, I have no idea what our future will look like.  But I know that it will be wonderful.

n

Yes, my kids ate cereal for dinner

The other day a friend asked me what we had for dinner the night before.
I thought a minute, snapped my fingers, and said 'cereal!'
Her mouth dropped open in shock and she looked at me like I had toilet paper stuck to my forehead.  I swiped at my forehead discreetly, and said 'What?'
'You had cereal for dinner.  The kind from a box.'
What other kind is there, I thought to myself.  'Yep.  The kind with all those essential vitamins and minerals.  I also added some dairy in the form of milk.  You know, to help them grow strong bones.'
She was still staring at me, and her expression was now one that consisted more of derision than shock.  'What about vegetables?'
I wanted to laugh.  Unless I hide them in smoothies and cookies, or count ketchup as a vegetable, my kids are not really fond of the vegetable variety of food.  Gwen even thinks she is allergic to anything green, as long as it's not mint.  As in mint chocolate chip ice-cream.  I do my best, but my kids don't always eat what I make for them.  Except for cereal, of course.
"Well..."
As she continued to stare at me, I wondered if this was another one of my 'Mom Fails.'  You know, the kind when you forget to pick up the poster board for their big project due the next day, or send them to school without lunch, or lunch money for that matter.  Something I know nothing about firsthand of course, but I'm sure it happens to some people.
I recalled the day before, trying to remember why we wound up having cereal for dinner...

As usual the alarm clock went off way too early.  Anything before 6am is way too early, unless it's going off for trout fishing, or leaving on a vacation.  This was neither.  I didn't want to get up, and had to shove a chubby foot out of my face in order to roll out of bed.  Another night when Callie decided to crawl into my bed, steal my covers, and kick me in the eye.
Finally looking at the clock, I realize that I'm going to be late.
After joining the land of the living, I got the kids up and we all proceeded to get ready for work/school/daycare.  I remember my work clothes were in the washing machine, I had forgotten to put them in the dryer the night before.  Great.
As I head for the stairs Miss Callie runs to her room and says she wants to wear a bathing suit to school.  Remembering that a good parent gives her choices, I tell her 'Go put on anything BUT a bathing suit.'  And feeling proud of my mommy skills I traipse downstairs only to trip over a doll baby and crumple in a heap at the bottom.  Nice.
Once I get there Lex thrusts papers at me that are the length of the declaration of independence.  Apparently I didn't see them the night before because they were buried in the bottom of his backpack, and they had a scrawled sticky note from the teacher that said 'DUE TOMORROW'.  I was falling behind in my parent homework.
As I sat down to read and sign the papers, Gwen came running over asking me to fix her French braid that I put in the night before.  It 'fell out' when she was combing it.  As if braids are meant to be combed.  But I sighed and reached for the comb, and a pen, and continued to fill out papers while braiding hair.  Not an easy feat let me tell you.  But I was managing.
Then Miss Callie reappeared wearing an outfit that would make Miley Cyrus proud.  A tiny cropped shirt that must have come from one of her baby dolls, and a pair of too-small capris, none of which were even remotely the same color.  Or even remotely fit.  I sighed.  So much for giving her choices.
I finished up Gwen's hair, remembered my work clothes, and ran in the laundry room to switch out clothes.
I was really going to be late now.
Then I looked at the clock and remembered Hunter.  Ooops!
I ran upstairs and woke him up before he missed the bus.  It was a mad dash out the door where he grabbed something from the fridge for lunch and took off.  Disaster averted.
Until I realized he had taken MY lunch box to school.  Now I have to make another lunch or take Hunter's.  As I look at his soggy peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I shake my head.  No way.
I finish Lex's documents, get them all ready to go, and get a more suitable outfit for Callie.  I decide I can't wait on my work clothes, and throw them on, slightly wrinkled and damp.  Oh well, it's not a fashion show anyway.  I picture the guy who wears elastic pants every day.  I have to at least look better than he does.
Finally, I'm getting in the car and backing down the driveway.  Then I remember that it's trash day.  Getting back out of my car I go through the process of pulling out recycling and trash, and continue on my way.  After daycare drop-off, I realize that I'm probably going to get to work about lunchtime.  But at least I'll get there.
Settling myself in at work, feeling a bit more orientated, elastic pants guy walks past and appears to snicker at my wrinkled pants.  Great.
As I sigh, I remember that I forgot to put the chicken in the crockpot.  And haven't been to the grocery store in over a week.
I run through the list of things we can eat at the house.  Ketchup, mayonnaise, crackers, bananas, cereal, chicken broth...
And I settle on cereal.

So as my friend stares at me, I try to sum up guilty feelings.  But I just can't.  I tell her the next time she feels sorry for my kiddos for eating a bowl of cereal for dinner, she can bring over a pizza.  Extra dairy, and hold on the veggies.

Being a Single Parent

Being a single parent has to be one of the toughest jobs in the world.  Though not always, it is usually a job born of necessity, not choice.

It consists of late nights and early mornings, waking up to a foot smacking you in the head because your daughter sleeps like she is in a kickboxing match.  Doing laundry every day of the week just to keep up, and sometimes, feeling bad when your 6 year old pulls a shirt out of his dirty clothes basket to wear because you simply didn’t get his camp shirt washed the night before.  It is another day of grilled cheese or pancakes because once again, you didn’t make it to the grocery store.  It involves work lunches of cucumbers and pretzels because you gave the last of the bread to the kids and there was nothing left for you to bring.

It is turning on spongebob just so you can get a tiny bit of peace knowing that it would be much better if they played outside, but you are just too tired to make it happen.  It is going far too long between haircuts, and routine doctor visits.  It is occasionally missing church because you’re just too tired to go.  It is living with a messy house, where tables are covered with crayons and applesauce, and corners filled with paper airplanes and reading books.  It is finding stray socks under chairs, couches, and once, in a cabinet.  Light bulbs only get changed when it is too dark to see.  It is opening the fridge hoping for a snack, to find the kids ate the last of your coveted greek yogurt, and left a Minnie mouse purse instead.

Being a single parent is lonely.  Although surrounded by kids, you don’t have another adult to help with anything at all.  To run to the store and get a gallon of milk or loaf of bread when you are just too exhausted to load the kids in the car and do it yourself.  There is no one to help with buying a house, a car, or figuring out how to get your son to care about homework.  Parenting alone means the yard is far from manicured, and weedeating never gets done.  The garage is a stack of perilous boxes that could fall at any minute, because there is simply no time to go through it all.

It is learning that people will judge you by your children, and your life.  It is living with the stares in public places when your kids fall on the ground in a tantrum, and learning to shrug off the comments such as “you have too many kids” or “are they all from the same Dad?”  It is living with the reality that how your kids behave reflects on you, and you know that you are being measured and found lacking by those around you.

It is, quite simply, never being enough.

It is facing insurmountable frustrations and trials, teaching children about things you don’t quite understand yourself, and knowing that no matter how much you want it to the situation can’t be changed.  But then you finally come to the realization that the people in it can.

You learn that it doesn’t matter what other people think, if they walked more than a minute in your shoes they would probably stumble and fall as you did many times along the way.  It is changing the measure of success to simple things – like no visits to the ER that day, opening the fridge to find milk, eggs, AND butter, or the ability to find both of your 4 year olds shoes within minutes of looking for them.  It is getting to an event almost on time and leaving without a bout of tears or screams, even if no one gets a trophy of recognition.

It is feeling proud when you watch your children learn to fold laundry, sweep floors, or mow the lawn.  Even if the laundry is somewhat disheveled, the floors not quite clean, and the lawn covered in patches of tall grass that were missed.  And no matter how hard your work day was, it is the sheer joy you feel at picking up your kids and getting hugs and kisses, and hearing tales of kids at school and their favorite books at library time.  It is watching your child learn to ride a bike, write their name, or figure out how to program the keyless garage door opener on their own.  It is the pride you feel at watching your daughter make muffins from scratch, or your son giving his little sister a piggyback ride to keep her from getting cranky.

It is a roller coaster of emotions, countless tears, smiles, and laughter.  Feeling a combination of guilt and anger, joy and peace, happiness and brokenness all at the same time.  Learning to live each day as though it is new, because although the day before had been filled with broken dishes, refereeing fights, and screams of frustration (mainly from you), today things might be different.  Today, could be the breakthrough you had been searching for.

No, single parenting is sometimes not a chosen profession.  Instead, born of a situation that you simply could not change.  It is a journey of learning about patience, worry, joy, and the true meaning of love.  But while the journey is a long and tedious one, filled with rocky mountains and overgrown paths, it is one that teaches you things that will stay with you the rest of your life.

It teaches you that some days, it is okay simply survive.  That you will fall many times but God will be there to catch you.  And He will give you the strength to continue on, even though you truly don’t think you can.  That it’s okay to make mistakes, to be less than perfect, that your arms might never reach wide enough to encompass everything in your life but that’s okay.  They were made just right, so that they can reach everything that matters.  You learn that even in the darkest of nights, when tears are your only companion and misery steals your sleep, that the dawn will come.  And that eventually, everything will be alright.

And although you might not feel that you are or ever will be, to your kids you will always be more than enough.

 

 

Life is Good

 

 

 

“Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am…”

When I was young, my family would go to the beach every year.  I love the ocean.  I love the sound of the waves crashing against the shore.  The gentle pull of the salty tide as your feet sink into the soft sand.  Sitting on the shore staring at the moon’s reflection against the endless expanse of sea, dreaming of life and who you are going to be.

I am a dreamer, my head is filled with dreams and wishes and things that haven’t happened yet.  But in all those years that I found myself at the ocean walking along the beach, wondering what next year would be like, I never once imagined this.  A young girl who believed in romance and fairy tales, innocence and love, never could begin to comprehend the brutalities that life could bring. 
But here I am, in a place I never imagined I would be.  On a road I didn’t plan, living a life that I had never dreamed of.  I am no longer the innocent girl spending summers on the shore, picturing a perfect life where everything is laid out exactly as I wanted it to be.
For a long time that wasn’t okay.  It wasn’t okay at all.  Thankfully God saw my future, and laid out my path.  He led me towards a road that I wasn’t even sure was there.  He knew that one day I would smile and laugh.  I would feel peace, and I would feel joy.  And one day, the scars would be healed so that I could love again.  He kept us safe and protected as we walked through the most difficult moments, and cleared the trees so that I could finally see.
Right now, I believe that I’m right where God wants me to be.
I’m not the best parent in the world, but I’m doing the best I can raising four absolutely amazing children that I love with everything that is in me.  They are a part of my soul, and I need them as much as they need me.
Life isn’t perfect, it isn’t the idyllic world that I had pictured so long ago on the shores of the East Coast, feeling the waves lap against my feet.  But it’s my life, and I am going to enjoy it because as I learned the hard way, tomorrow might be nothing like today.
And today is pretty good.

Life, is good.

 

 

 

 

Peace

There was a time in my life that I wasn’t sure I was going to make it. 

The pain was too much, too suffocating, too real.  There were so many days that it was a struggle simply to breathe.

During those dark times I would fall on my knees and cry out to God for help, but my prayers were usually a wordless utterance of Please, because I didn’t know what else to say.  There was so much going wrong in my life I didn’t know how to start asking for God to make things right.  At one point it became painfully clear that one particular prayer that I had prayed repeatedly, over and over again, was simply not going to come true.  I was devastated and could not see my future anymore.  It was a shroud of nothingness spread out before me.

I remember several times saying “I can’t do this anymore.  I just can’t.”

I had snapped into pieces, like a tree with its tip bending too far towards the ground that finally splintered in the storm, there was nothing left to support me.  I had been hurt and broken, and even if I healed it would be unevenly and painfully.  A fractured bone that wasn't set; there was no way I would ever be the same again. 

But time has a habit of continuing on, no matter what happens in your life. 

Even though during the worst of times, when every second felt like an hour, those seconds ticked on by until the days started to get easier.  Then the weeks, followed by the months.  It’s true that time can heal the deepest of wounds.  But only if you want it to.

Along the way there were times that  would think ‘I’m okay now, I’m healed.  I can move on.’

Usually, that wasn’t really true.  My journey has been like climbing a mountain.  No matter how many times I thought I was at the top, I really wasn’t.  Something would happen to remind me that inside I was still broken, there was still a fissure where my heart was supposed to be.  And I would feel my fingers slipping, losing their grip on life.  Again, I would feel that brokenness inside of  me, and I would try again to piece it all back together.

But time has continued to pass by, and I can finally look back and see how far I have really come.  Every time I slipped, God threw me a rope.  Without Him, I would still be at the bottom of that mountain.

I have finally been granted a request I started praying for long ago, when I understood my first request was never going to happen.

I stopped praying for anything specific, and simply started praying for peace.  Peace to accept my life as it is.  Peace to accept the fact that bad things happen to good people, and no amount of crying or wailing or feeling bitter about it, would ever change that fact.

As the saying goes ‘it is what it is’ – and that is true.  There is much of my life I can’t change, and I’ve finally been granted the peace to accept that fact.  And in gaining that peace, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.  I’ve finally stopped trying to take the blame for everything that happens, for the issues we face in our life. 

It is what it is.

I’ve tried to change things that I am able to.

And for the things that I can’t change, I am learning to pray, and then let go.  Beyond that there is nothing else I can do.  Why waste time worrying about what could happen, if it hasn’t happened yet?  Why waste time wishing for things that I could have, instead of enjoying what I do have?

In a way it feels like we’re on a vacation.

It’s summer, and we’re in our new house.  I come home from work and we go for a walk or a run on the trail, the dog wagging his tail along with us.  Not everyone is happy, at least one of the kids is tired and grumpy, but we make do.  Yesterday I showed them how to get honey out of honeysuckle.  Then we took advantage of the Endless Summer Nights to go swimming at Splash Island, which is just down the road.  The kids love having a neighborhood, for them it is a treat to take off down the sidewalks on roller blades or scooters.  And after being in a cramped apartment for almost 2 months, having room to spread out is a vacation in itself.

We’re finally at a point where we can rest.

The house is sold, we’re out of the apartment, it’s summertime, and life is good.

Life isn’t easy, raising four kids on your own is never easy, but that’s okay.  It’s easier than it used to be.  One of these days we’ll even figure out how to go grocery shopping without appearing like a circus act to those around us.

But never mind that.

Things have fallen into place, or more importantly, the way that I view life has fallen into place.

I’m happy.

Our life is what it is, and we are going to make the most of what we have been given.  I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, or take away, but that shouldn’t ruin what we have right now.

Peace is one of the greatest things I have had in a very long time.

Life truly is what you make of it.

And I intend to live it and enjoy it for all it's worth.