I see God

It has been WAY too long since I sat down to write.
And for me, it's something that I need to do.  Something that grounds me, brings me back to reality.  It is what makes me who I am.  In a time of my life when nothing is what it should be, when life is changing every day, writing is something that keeps me sane.

For so many years of my life, I was afraid.

I feared for my kids, my job, what life might bring me next.  It wasn't an obsession, but it was something that lingered in the back of my mind.  What if that semi had hit my car instead of the sedan two vehicles ahead?  What if that had been one of my kids that had drowned in a swimming pool?  Or fallen off the playset and broken his arm?  What would happen to my precious kids and animals if I died of melanoma?

As life dealt me my share of hard knocks, my fears only grew.  I was laid off from a job six days after closing on our first house.  I was diagnosed with melanoma skin cancer.  My favorite dog died.  My horse died.  When I took my van in to be serviced, they found a tie rod close to snapping.

But then, out of the blue, one of my worst fears actually came true.  I found myself facing the most difficult struggle I had thus far.  I had never felt so alone in my life, and I had survived deployments with kids and a full time job.

When I would tell women about my experience, I would see the fear in their own eyes.  The fear that if something like that happened to me, it could just as easily happen to them.  And what would they do if it did?  The idea was unfathomable.  The idea that their life could be shattered from one day to the next.  This was something straight out of a lifetime movie.  But unfortunately, I couldn't simply shut off the tv and walk away.  This was my life.  This was my new reality and I had to wake up to live through it each day.

As I waded my way through pain and agony, trying to understand where God was leading me, I began to lose my fear.  What was the point of being afraid?  This one incident was beyond my worst nightmares.  But here I was, surviving, putting one foot in front of the other.  I was still breathing, and God was helping me through.  So why waste time being afraid?  Why spend any of my life fearing something that I have no control over?

Slowly but surely I began to turn my life over to God.  Something very difficult for someone who likes to have a hand in what happens in her life. 

Shortly after this incident happened to me, I was invited to a bible study at a friend's house, so that I could be prayed over.  It was a moving experience that I will never forget.

During the prayer, one of the women said they saw angels stationing themselves around my house, at all four corners, and I remember closing my eyes and seeing them there.  With flaming swords they protected the kids and I from harm.  When I was down to my last shred of hope, God had sent angels to help me through.  Not only angels that I could see as friends, but those that I could not. 

For a long time I had prayed for God to send me a sign that I was going to be okay.  That He show me that He was there for me, helping me, loving me.  At a time in my life when I struggled to get through each minute, let alone each day, I needed His help.  I needed Him to show me His love, mercy, and kindness.
And for the first time in many, many years, at the lowest point of my entire life, God made His presence known.  Through friends who stepped up and gave me their time, love, and listening ears, God showed me without a doubt that I did not have to go through this journey alone.  That even when I felt as though I was, He was there, caring for me and my children.
Somewhere along the way, I started to find peace.  An inner peace that I have not known in years.  There is a certainty that God has a future for us that will be beyond my wildest hopes and dreams, so very far from the nightmare that we have been through so far.

This morning started off as a usual morning.  I was rushing around trying to get four kids ready to go.  There were shoes to find, coats to get on, granola bars to snack on.  Dogs to medicate and feed before I left for the day.  As I put in some blueberry bread for toast, I heard Callie from the living room.
"I see God!"
I stopped for a minute, hearing those words, wondering what she was talking about.  I walked in the living room and saw her staring out the back patio door.  She was looking towards the woods in the back.
"What did you say Callie?"
She pointed.  "I see God!"
"Where do you see God?"
I looked out, but saw only the bare trees, not yet filled with springtime leaves, and the wire fence.
"Right there!  There He is!  By the fence.  Over by the trees."
As I watched the certainty and smile on her face, I felt chills.  I remembered the angels stationing themselves around my property to protect us.  I remembered the picture of them glowing, with their swords, warding off the evil that threatened my children and the very essence of my soul.
And without a doubt, I know that Callie was seeing one of those angels that God sent to protect us.

With angels just outside my door, why should I ever be afraid?