The puzzle

I don't think my journey will ever be over.  A journey to find self worth and satisfaction, to understand why there is so much pain in this world.  I know in my heart that some things simply can't be explained.  I know, yet I am made to chase answers, to find solutions, to see a problem and to fix it.  It goes against my very nature to look at a situation and to say "I had better let it go, I'm never going to understand why.  At least not in this lifetime."
There is no doubt in my mind that God has a better plan, a better view of this world than I could ever begin to see.  But it is so hard to sit back and smile and claw through the difficulties without seeing the path in front of me. 
When I search for that path, for those answers that I seek, all I can see is a hazy distortion of what could be.  Or what might be.  Or what my heart years for deeply, but might never come to pass.
It's kind of like training for something but you have no idea what you are training for.  You lace your shoes every morning to go outside and run, each day you run further and longer, and harder.  Through the rain and the snow, the blowing ice, and swirling wind, there is no choice but to run. 
Even though you have no idea if what you are training for will lead to something better, something more, there is no choice but to run.
Because if you choose not to run you choose to give up.
And that's not really a choice at all.

 I would love to see the puzzle laid out neatly on the table.  The puzzle that is my life, filled with pieces that I know fit together to form a bigger picture.  Each small seemingly insignificant swirl of color or piece of sky will merge together to make something beautiful.  I know it does, because when I bought it the box showed me a picture of what was inside.
And I go through life like putting together a puzzle, but without having an idea of what that picture might be.
I try to fit events and people and things together, hoping they fit, hoping they make sense.
Some pieces fit together effortlessly, some are obviously meant to border the rest of them, to start the framework from which everything else will fit inside.
Others are somewhat difficult to determine and I spend more time with those than any of the others.  I don't want to put them down on the table, because I know they go somewhere, the problem being I have no idea where.
As I'm finishing a puzzle I start to get worried that there are pieces missing.  In our house that is always a possibility, that one has been swept under the couch or rug, or kicked across the floor to fall into a crack and be lost forever.  Working on a puzzle it is always my fear that we will have spent so much time putting it together so that we can see the final, completed picture in front of us, but we instead have a missing gap where a piece was meant to be.  A piece that we will probably never find and we have to tear the puzzle apart incomplete.  And be disappointed that our hard work did not yield what we had expected at all.
Sometimes, that's what I fear my life will be like.
A puzzle that was supposed to have all of the pieces, but finds itself missing that one vital piece.  And without that final piece, the picture will not truly be complete. 
I know that God's plan for my life is meant for good, I know that he has a puzzle more grand and more amazing than I could ever plan for myself.
I know that if I keep running, keep working, keep moving towards that destination that doesn't seem to exist, that good will come of it. 
I know that at the end there is respite, if not rest.
One of these days I will know the answers to the questions that I seek.
But the hardest part is to accept that I might not have answers in this lifetime, and I have to put on my shoes and run, without a clue as to why I am running, or to where.
The hardest part is to believe that God will guide my steps, and show me where I need to go.  And that he holds each and every piece of my puzzle in His hand, not a single one missing.  One day, my picture will be complete and I will see.
Until then I choose to continue to put on my shoes every day, to go outside and face what life throws my way.
Until then, I choose to believe.

"In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps." Proverbs 16:9

"The Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in Him; though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand." Psalm 37:24-24