Single Mother

I used to be a military wife.  One who faced training, deployments, and support of a spouse that was gone for long periods of time.  I had to get used to doing things on my own (including parenting) because what other choice was there?
A long time ago, I read a set of posts where military wives were comparing themselves to single moms.  Said that while their husbands were gone they had to hold down the fort, so it was just like being a single parent.
The actual single moms were incensed, because they said it wasn't the same at all.
And in the last year, the one thing I have learned, is that the single moms were correct.
It isn't the same at all.
For those who don't know what has happened to my family, I won't go into the details.  They are too personal and too intense.  To painful and too real.  But the end result is that I am raising four young children on my own and have been for a very long time.
There are some days that the high demands of these four tiny lives are so much for my heart to handle.  My soul hurts, and it bends under the weight of the responsibility that has been given to me.
I know that my feelings aren't that different from any normal parent that is having a tough day.  A day where they question all that they do.  Where they wonder if they are helping or hurting their kids, and what if the mistakes are compounding themselves so that things just get worse instead of better?
But there is one really big difference.
I'm doing it alone.

Although I have told myself a hundred times in the last few months, and will continue to tell myself the very same thing, that even though I feel alone I am not.
God is with me in all that I do.  He always has been, and He always will be.
I'm going to keep writing it and telling myself that until I no longer feel the sting of loneliness.
This weekend was rough.  I didn't get anything done.  Well, 'anything' besides cooking meals, doing dishes and laundry, sweeping floors, cleaning Gwen's room, my room, and a hundred surprise messes.  Making a grocery list and shopping for everything on that list.  Paying bills.  Reading books to the kids.  Playing barbies.  Painting the fingernails of my little girls.  Being silly with balloons.  Being a parent that has too much to do, and too little time to do it in.
As a matter of fact, right now I'm enjoying a yummy chocolate milk shake.  Yep, at 11:00 pm at night when I have to get up in about six hours.
When I'm struggling, chocolate is my ray of sunshine.
But I know everything will be alright.  Because although I feel alone, I am not.
And I never will be.

Even when things are so hard, so difficult, I don't know what I would do without my kids.  Those four little beings are my life.  I love them much more than I do myself.  They need me to be the very best parent that I can be, and I won't let them down.  I will keep trying, keep struggling, until life gets easier and I no longer have to swim upstream.
I need them and they need me.
Tomorrow we will be smiling, tomorrow
we will just be.
Today was hard, today was rough,
but I see the sun
already peeking through the trees.
Tonight I will sleep
Tonight I will dream.
of a tomorrow where life
is filled with more than we need.

One Step At a Time

Written to the Tune of 'One Step At a Time'


There are times I want to close my eyes and be somewhere else, maybe a year down the road.  Past the difficult days, sleepless nights, and aching heart.
Past the loneliness and the exhaustion.
But then there are times like today.  When I'm running late but I find time to see the beauty around me.  When I see the sun streaming through the trees, and the horses grazing in the fog.
When I hear Hunter nudging me to look at Callie.
And I turn to see her standing in the kitchen, without a stitch of clothes, dancing to the tune of 'God's not Dead'.
And I smile.
Making the long drive to work, I realize that no, I am not where I want to be at some point down the road.  But I am taking the steps to get to where I need to be.  And that is truly what is important. 
There are those who never take those first steps.  They want to run a marathon but never get off the couch.  They want to get a better job, but don't take the time to get the degree they need to do it.   They want a life other than the one they have, but all they ever do is dream about it.  And never really try to live it.
No I'm not where I really want to be in an unforeseeable future.
But I've come a long way.  I've taken those vital first steps, and many more after that.
Honestly, if I look behind me, I can't see the foggy place where I started from.  I've come that far.
And if I were to fast forward to that day in the future, when things finally fall into place, I will have missed a lot.  I will have missed so many things in my kid's lives.
Hunter is growing up.  He is reaching the point where he is more man than boy.  Even his view of the world is changing.  He is starting to notice the struggles I go through, and wants to help his mom.  His budding compassion is truly tugging at my heart.
My kids are a lot like me.  They sing with me, they dance with me.  They grow with me.
As a matter of fact, the way I see it, we're taking these steps together.
Maybe we can't run a marathon quite yet.
But we can't get to the finish line,
if we don't take one step at a time.

Broken

There are choices to make in life.  Lots of choices.  Sometimes they are as mundane as what outfit to wear that day or what to cook for dinner.

But then there are the harder choices.  The ones that can determine your happiness, your life, your future.  

Unfortunately the last few months my life has been filled with the tougher choices.  The ones that make a difference not only in my life, but that of my kids.  And sometimes I'm not quite sure those decisions are the right ones.

You see, I have been broken.  There were horrible things in my life that had shattered my heart and everything I believed.  For quite a while I wasn't sure which way to turn, and how in the world I would climb out of the rubble that surrounded me.  The remnants of a life I once knew.

But even though I felt my life was out of my control, spiraling into a deep abyss, there were still decisions to make.  There were still things I could do to turn things around.

At first it was hard because I was so sure that I had been forgotten by God.  That He had swept me aside in favor of those with a greater need.  I have a vivid memory of sitting in church listening to the pastor preach of light, of having faith in the midst of troubled times.  And I was crying in my seat, praying that God show me this hope and this light because all I could see in front of me was the blackest night that had no beginning and no end.  Just an endless cycle of loss and brokenness.

But somewhere along the way I made a choice to believe.  To see the good instead of the bad.  I used to live one hour at a time, just getting through the best I could.  I can remember how painful that was, how I didn't want to get out of bed and face the ache where my heart used to be.  Back then I had Faith, but it was a very weak faith.  One that didn't believe God had good things in store for me and my family.  Back then, I was making an unconscious choice to drift through life living in the pain.  Drowning in it.

But then I made the best choice I have ever made in my life.

The choice to LIVE.  The choice to see the good instead of the bad.  To focus on the laughter and the smiles instead of the tears.  

Eventually I was able to crawl out of the hole into the sunshine, and finally get to know the God who had loved me for so long.  He was no longer a vague presence somewhere far away, but became a Hand to hold when I needed one.  Someone who brought me friends when I needed them the most.  Good friends, who loved me, and weren't afraid to show me.  Something I needed more than anything....Love.

This weekend I had to make another tough choice, the decision to lose a part of the family.  To end her suffering and her pain.  I know it was the right thing to do...but still.  The pain of her loss is intense.  Miss Callie doesn't understand, and is asking where Moosie is.  Her dog bowl is still sitting on the step.  I still listen for her footsteps down the hall, wait for her wet nose to push my hand, wanting to be petted.

I miss her.

But she know we loved her and did everything we could.  I had to end her suffering, it broke my heart to see the light in her eyes dimming.  

Sometimes, when you love someone, the best thing you can do is to let them go.

I have no idea what our future will bring.  I have no clue where God is leading us, or where we will end up.  But this time I choose to believe that He will take us to a good place filled with love and happiness.  And that is the difference in me - to have real Faith.  

I was broken for a reason, and now God is working to build me back up.  I've come a long way, but I don't think He's done with me quite yet.

A song that describes me right now...