Broken

There are choices to make in life.  Lots of choices.  Sometimes they are as mundane as what outfit to wear that day or what to cook for dinner.

But then there are the harder choices.  The ones that can determine your happiness, your life, your future.  

Unfortunately the last few months my life has been filled with the tougher choices.  The ones that make a difference not only in my life, but that of my kids.  And sometimes I'm not quite sure those decisions are the right ones.

You see, I have been broken.  There were horrible things in my life that had shattered my heart and everything I believed.  For quite a while I wasn't sure which way to turn, and how in the world I would climb out of the rubble that surrounded me.  The remnants of a life I once knew.

But even though I felt my life was out of my control, spiraling into a deep abyss, there were still decisions to make.  There were still things I could do to turn things around.

At first it was hard because I was so sure that I had been forgotten by God.  That He had swept me aside in favor of those with a greater need.  I have a vivid memory of sitting in church listening to the pastor preach of light, of having faith in the midst of troubled times.  And I was crying in my seat, praying that God show me this hope and this light because all I could see in front of me was the blackest night that had no beginning and no end.  Just an endless cycle of loss and brokenness.

But somewhere along the way I made a choice to believe.  To see the good instead of the bad.  I used to live one hour at a time, just getting through the best I could.  I can remember how painful that was, how I didn't want to get out of bed and face the ache where my heart used to be.  Back then I had Faith, but it was a very weak faith.  One that didn't believe God had good things in store for me and my family.  Back then, I was making an unconscious choice to drift through life living in the pain.  Drowning in it.

But then I made the best choice I have ever made in my life.

The choice to LIVE.  The choice to see the good instead of the bad.  To focus on the laughter and the smiles instead of the tears.  

Eventually I was able to crawl out of the hole into the sunshine, and finally get to know the God who had loved me for so long.  He was no longer a vague presence somewhere far away, but became a Hand to hold when I needed one.  Someone who brought me friends when I needed them the most.  Good friends, who loved me, and weren't afraid to show me.  Something I needed more than anything....Love.

This weekend I had to make another tough choice, the decision to lose a part of the family.  To end her suffering and her pain.  I know it was the right thing to do...but still.  The pain of her loss is intense.  Miss Callie doesn't understand, and is asking where Moosie is.  Her dog bowl is still sitting on the step.  I still listen for her footsteps down the hall, wait for her wet nose to push my hand, wanting to be petted.

I miss her.

But she know we loved her and did everything we could.  I had to end her suffering, it broke my heart to see the light in her eyes dimming.  

Sometimes, when you love someone, the best thing you can do is to let them go.

I have no idea what our future will bring.  I have no clue where God is leading us, or where we will end up.  But this time I choose to believe that He will take us to a good place filled with love and happiness.  And that is the difference in me - to have real Faith.  

I was broken for a reason, and now God is working to build me back up.  I've come a long way, but I don't think He's done with me quite yet.

A song that describes me right now...