Reason #675 Why I am Single

To avoid the tiny apartment we live in, I have picked up a new, healthy habit of jogging.  There is a track that circles a playground down the road and the kids play while I get in some exercise.
Everyone wins. 
Usually.

As I am running around the track and the kids have finally stopped throwing mulch and running alongside me, asking for a hug or to hold my hand, Mr. Handsome shows up with his kids. He nods and I smile as I am running past. I look semi-dedicated, with my arm strap thingy holding my phone and a nice new pair of rainbow running shoes.  An entire 1.5 miles completed, with only a brief pause to give a hug or a stern look to stop mulch throwing.
He gives me the interested look. I am encouraged. After all, where else can I meet people but at work and Chuck-e-cheese?
Then my 3 year old comes charging after me screeching loudly as if she had just stepped on a bee hive.  She was so loud, even my running music could not drown her out.  I gaze longingly down the track, I am almost to a stopping point after five laps, and realize that she has caught the attention of Mr. Handsome AND the people in  the next neighborhood.  And quite possibly, the pilot in the plane flying overhead.
Her deafening screams grow louder. 
I know she is fine, I can tell by the pitch of her scream, but I grit my teeth and pause my run to help her.  I find out she has an offensive band-aid stuck to her bangs and can't get it off. While she is madly flailing her arms, the Band-Aid flutters to the ground. Problem solved.
I turn to continue my run (almost done now, really) she takes her shoes off and throws them at me. Then screeches for me to help her put them on. Mr. Handsome is thinking I am as attractive as a rattlesnake by this point.
I finally get to finish my marathon level two mile run and stop to play with the kids while cooling down. Mr. Handsome wanders over. We start to talk.
We discuss random things while our children are hanging on the jungle gym or walking on the wave.  Inside, I am begging the kids to please please please don't embarrass me.  Five minutes, just five minutes of non-embarrassing behavior.
Lex has my phone at this point and is playing music, loudly.
All is good.
Then Gwen catches my attention and says Lex is saying a bad word.  Lex wanders over.  He says he saw a word on a slide, and it's not a bad word.  He tries to pronounce it and he says 'pennis' as in 'tennis'. 
I am confused. Gwen says he is saying a bad word. I, not so bright, say 'what bad word is that?'
She whispers to Lex and grins at me. He frowns, and very loudly repeats the real pronunciation of the word.
I turn bright red, smile, and walk away.
So much for embarrassment.  My kids take it to a whole new level.
Next week, reasons #756-800 why I am still, and might always be, single.

In truth, it's all good.  We might get up to 10,000 reasons before it's all said and done.
But in the end, the kids are more than worth it.  After all, it makes for funny stories I can't wait to embarrass them with when they are 16 and going to prom.

Apartment Lessons Learned

There are five of us and a dog in an apartment that is less than 1000 sq ft.  To say that it's cozy is an understatement.  In any case, I have learned some lessons that I feel compelled to share with others.

1 - Privacy is overrated.
The first day we were here the kids broke the twisty thingy on the patio blinds.  Now the entire world can (and does) stare at us every night.  I've grown quite used to it, and like to wave at the people who walk by peering inside our apartment at dusk, wondering what the crazy lady and all those kids are doing at night.  I like to grab a margarita from the freezer and mouth 'want one?' after which they turn around and look at the sky, pretending they weren't just spying on us.
2 - It is entirely possible to be in the kitchen, dining room, and living room at the same time. 
I am proud to say I accomplished this feat.
3 - It's somewhat difficult to enforce the 'no eating in the living room' rule, when the dining room IS the living room.
4 - Sending kids to their rooms doesn't really work. 
Especially when you hear them talking right next to you afterwards, and you holler "I said go to your room or no TV for a week!" You hear silence, and then a voice saying, somewhat confused "But I AM in my room." You look down the hall to find that this is, indeed, true.  Experiencing this might make you feel a bit embarrassed as a mom.  But I totally didn't learn this one firsthand.
5 - It is entirely possible to find six ice-cube trays, empty, in the freezer. 
So much for the rule of odds, assuming that the more trays you buy the more likely you will find at least one ice cube that is frozen.  The kids haven't learned how to turn the handle thing (normally referred to as a faucet) that causes water to come out, and therefore fill up the plastic trays and put them in the freezer.  Too many steps to follow I think.
6 - I can't let the kids play outside.
The kids walked outside to play in the postage stamp lawn in front of the apartment.  I followed five minutes later to find a Frisbee on the roof, a ball that had been hit across the road, and Lex trying to climb a tree about four feet high.  And Gwen towing a neighbor girl down the sidewalk on roller blades with a broom handle.
I sincerely have no idea how I got the nickname of 'The crazy lady with all of the kids'.  What do they know.
7 - Spending time outside at an apartment causes children to multiply.
While grilling dinner one night, going in and out, I suddenly noticed that I no longer had four children.  I had six.  And they were drinking Kool-Aid's from the refrigerator.  Huh.
8 - An apartment gives you more time do to useless things.
Instead of gardening and mowing lawns and caring for horses, I find myself doing things such as 'exercising' and hiding healthy things in food.  Then laughing (in an evil maniacal kind of way) because my daughter who is 'allergic' to anything green (or healthy) just ate spinach.  And turkey tacos.  And drank almond milk. 
The things you do when you have extra time on your hands.
9 - Our television is the size of a movie theatre screen on the wall.
This one is kind of cool.  Who needs space?  The kids no longer hear 'Move back, you'll hurt your eyes!'  If they moved back any further, they would be in hallway between apartments.
10 - There are many things I will never take for granted again. 
SPACE is number one.
Ice maker is on the list, along with the sprayer on the sink, a dishwasher that actually works, and not having a herd of stampeding Buffalo living above me.  Really people, it's THREE AM!  I have no idea why they feel the need to run up and down the hallway, shaking the entire apartment below, in the dead of night. 
Garages are really nice, as are driveways.  I kind of miss my yard, too.
11 - The most important thing that I have learned while being here....I CAN'T WAIT TO MOVE!!
Three more weeks.  I can do this.  Only three more weeks :)

But you know what I'm going to do before I leave?
I'm going to climb on the roof above my neighbors apartment and run back and forth with weights on my feet.  Just so they understand where I'm coming from.